Unveiling The Truth Behind The Personal Struggles With My Weight
This is a very personal blog post so bare with me. I spent most of my life being overweight. Most of my life feeling like I was over noticeable, over “out there” in a sense due to my weight. Yet my biggest problems were not with myself, they were not even mine. It felt like the people around me had more of a problem with my weight more than I did with myself. To be honest, my hardest personal moments were when I found myself sweating and panting to attempt to fit into another pair of pants, at another fitting room, in yet another place that did not offer my size. Besides that, my other “hard times” were when I would meet a new boy and I was shy. Yet that was mostly teenage me being all nervous.
I never really understood why people found it a need to comment. Why my appearance was labeled “wrong” or how they said “sorry” to my mother. Sorry for me being the way that I was. Honestly, bless my mother. She has been an avid “gymmer”, for 30 years, and has the body of a goddess—I shit you not. She too had to hear comments like “why is your daughter like that?”. Well…uh.. why is your personality like that you fuck bag?
I think I really only realized how shitty it is AFTER I started losing weight. Random people, from college, made it their business to comment on how I NOW supposedly started looking good, how I MUST be happy NOW, how my love life DEFINITELY must be much better. Even professors commented that they are happy that “I am getting myself together and looking much better”. I understand compliments and I definitely will not deny that I love them. However, I am not talking about compliments here. Instead, I am talking about the same tone I heard from different people. Basically, it is the tone that attempts to be sincere, yet is blatantly just screaming “congrats, you aren’t fat anymore, you are now a normal happy person”—you know, because if you are overweight you cannot possibly be that.. right?
Anyway, the more weight I lost, the more comments I heard. “You need a little bit more weight off”. “Exercise this area of your body”. “Stop”. “You are too thin”. “Are you anorexic?”. “Eat”. “Eat more”. These comments were not coming from people who knew me well, nor were they friends or people who cared. They were random people who used to see me around campus, neighborhood or work. I had to constantly smile and receive what a complete stranger had to say.
The sad part is that I love talking to people randomly, I do it all the time. For instance, I do it with sincerity—with an actual will to help or befriend. In my case, the above mentioned people just left their opinion and never talked again. Then it hit me, people will never shut up and keep their small-talk-unnecessary comments to themselves. The presumption that I am now happy or fully comfortable with myself is all bullshit. Yes, finding clothes is easier; but only because most of the clothes industries tailor to particular small sizes. Yet the insecurities are there, they still are and always will be because end of the day I am human. We all are, and it is okay to feel things; really it is. Just do not let your insecurities stop you from living life.
Bottom line is, if anyone does not want to be around you because of a superficial reason, then trust me that is just perfect. You just saved your time and did not meet another narrow minded person. As cliché as it may sound, love yourself no matter what, because once you do, nothing will be able to break you.